F9, where to even begin with this one. I guess, I should start by saying I LOVE the Fast and Furious franchise. The over-the-top action, the quippy (often cheesy) one-liners, the fact they’ve gone from stealing DVD players to becoming full-on superheroes, every single person involved in the series realizing the franchise they’re in…except for lead Vin Diesel, who continues to take these movies far too seriously. I need it all. I love it all. The “Cars don’t fly!” scene from Furious 7 is inarguably one of cinema’s finest moments.
All this is a long-winded way to say that I am likely to be easier on F9 than some might be. I know what the franchise is, and I revel in that. Many aspects of the Fast movies – and particularly F9 – that turn many off to the series are exactly why I love it so much. That being said, F9 does show some signs of fatigue.
Plot? Who needs a plot?
This is admittedly not a great start for F9. You know what helps draw fans in? An interesting and engaging plot. You what F9 doesn’t have? An interesting and engaging plot. Dom (Vin Diesel) and Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) are living a quiet life, with Dom’s son Brian (should have been named Paul, but we don’t need to get into that). Until one day, Roman (Tyrese Gibson), Tej (Ludacris), and Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel) arrive unannounced, with an emergency message from Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell). His plane was attacked, causing it to crash. Upon finding the plane, the crew discovers it was carrying part of a device called Ares. Ares is some sort of super device that can hack into any computer-controlled weapon system. Or something like that. Honestly, it does not matter. Not even a little bit.
The main conflict isn’t the what, but the who. Dom realizes is *gasp* estranged brother Jakob (John Cena) was behind the attack on Nobody’s plane. From here, F9 turns into action set piece after action set piece of Dom’s and Jakob’s crew trying to one-up each other as they fight for possession of Ares. There are a few more pieces to it, including the return of Cipher (Charlize Theron). But as anyone familiar with the franchise knows, you don’t come here for the story. You come for the unrealistic action.
I don’t believe what I just saw!
Fast Five is commonly – and correctly – seen as the turning point in the franchise. You have the squad drag one little bank vault through Rio de Janeiro, destroying basically the entire city, and all bets are off. Ever since then, the movies have gotten more and more out of control, with the stunts getting bigger and bigger. The stunts are one thing, and I think most people can appreciate a good action set piece, even if said stunt defies every law of physics known to man. What those same people tend to have a problem with, however, is how these action scenes affect the characters. Or, rather, don’t affect them.
The Fast and Furious crew walk away from brutal fist fights, car jumps, various vehicular crashes as though it was nothing more than an annoying mosquito bite. Like I said, they’re essentially superheroes at this point. But I can understand why it rubs some people the wrong way. I totally get it. But I like to laugh at its ridiculousness. I enjoy how absurd it all is. The series knows what it is and leans into it. But F9 leans perhaps a little too hard.
There’s a running joke with Roman that directly talks about this. He even floats the idea of the crew being literally invincible. I know plenty of people who hated it; I couldn’t stop laughing. And this kind of meta humor and self-referential moments might be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back for some fans. Again, I get it. It worked for me. I won’t work for everyone.
Gimme one them big ones, I don’t care
F9 might be the ultimate paycheck role movie. Look at this lineup. Helen Mirren, Charlize Theron, Shea Whigham, Kurt Russell, Cardi B. They couldn’t have collectively been on set for more than 24 hours. And then there’s Lucas Black and Bow Wow reprising their roles from Tokyo Drift and Michael Rooker as Buddy, Dom’s dad’s former racing mechanic. Those three get a little more screen time, but not by much. Nothing but respect here, secure the bag my dudes.
You get a retcon, you get a retcon, everybody gets a retcon!
This is the part that wore on me the most. We already know how Tokyo Drift eventually was retconned to take place after Fast and Furious 6. That was already ridiculous enough. But there’s so much more here in F9. Thankfully, they don’t mess with the larger timeline of the movies and their events themselves. But several characters receive additional backstory that simply didn’t need to happen. The big one here is the return of fan favorite Han. Absurd, but sure. Han’s the definition of cool, so bring him back however you want. Shoot, go the Rise of Skywalker route and say, “Somehow, Han’s alive” and just move on from there. I can appreciate a good backstory, but everything here felt so forced and unnecessary.
Action: Good! Everything else: Eh…
That’s ultimately what F9 – and how much you enjoy it – comes down to. The action and stunts are as crazy as ever, further defying science and physics. But I don’t care. That’s what I expect from the Fast movies. The only issue there is they keep upping the ante. With two more movies still to come, what more can they do? I, for one, can’t wait to find out.
Unfortunately, much of everything in between those moments is average at best. There really is no larger plot other than Dom reconciling the fact that his brother is back in his life, and as an antagonist. The Fast movies have always had a villain problem, and that unfortunate trend continues here.
But if the main draw to this franchise for you is the action, there should be enough here – even at a bloated 145 minute runtime (p.u.) – to satisfy fans. Just don’t expect to convert anybody on the fence.
Score: 70/100
