Deep Water is a lot of things. A “good” movie is not one of them. But a “fun” movie? Well, kind of. And yet I somehow still kind of had a good time watching it? It’s weird. It doesn’t really fit into the “so bad it’s good” category. Lots of the technical aspects are well done, and Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas do have pretty good chemistry. It’s a fun time, if not a fun movie. It’s absurd and outrageous, but not as absurd and outrageous as you would hope. I don’t know. If that little rambling doesn’t make sense, welcome to the world of Deep Water.
Deep Water is complete nonsense, so I’m going to change things up here. This won’t be a regular review, but rather just my stream of consciousness from watching the movie. Pretty much full spoilers will follow.
- Ben Affleck (Vic) wore sneakers and no socks while on a bike ride?
- Ana de Armas (Melinda) turns off “Old Macdonald” and yells at Alexa to “never play that shit again”
- Melinda sees a blonde guy at a party and immediately pulls him away to dance
- Then she starts making out with him the backyard?
- Apparently doesn’t care if other people see this?
- Vic sees it, and Melinda sees Vic see her, but she only kind of looks coyly away
- I think Vic openly hates his wife? But nobody sees how obvious it is and instead are convinced he loves her?
- Melinda drunk sings for the entire party, very evocative of Megan in “Mad Men”
- Except some people actually start singing along instead of slinking away with how awkward this was?
- Vic strongly insinuates to Joel, the previously unnamed blonde man, that he had something to do with another man going missing who had also been previously “seeing his wife”
- Whoops, then he outright says, “I killed him.”
- Melinda lights up a cigarette after leaving the party, thus continuing the tradition of insanely good-looking people making smoking look super cool
- Melinda eats an apple on the way from the party, just an awful choice for drunk food
- Immediately after getting home, Melinda drops the top down from her dress, but uh-oh the babysitter is still there
- Melinda fails to see why this was a poor decision, instead complaining that Vic is “suffocating” her
- Vic owns snails? Sure, why not
- Their daughter, Trixie, while building something, asks Vic if he knew she “had it on there wrong” but I heard it as “Did you know I had another mom?” and honestly, that would have been awesome
- Vic’s maybe/maybe not joke about murder has gotten around to “so many people” now
- Melinda and Vic get into a fight about Vic’s threat, but I’m sorry, Melinda, I can’t take anybody seriously if they’re talking with a mouth full of toothpaste
- Joel’s name is Joel Dash
- Vic tells Trixie, again, their daughter (their very young daughter) that Joel is a friend of her mom’s, “Kinda like Martin McRae. Remember him?” Father of the Year right here.
- Vic says Melinda has the “palate of a 12 year old” and it’s supposed to be a joke but it’s definitely not
- Once again, I’m pretty sure he openly hates his wife
- Melinda tells Trixie that “Dad is going to read you a bunch of bedtime stories” so I can only assume she and Joel are about to get down to it
- I’m not a parent so I can’t speak to this, but that seems like an interesting parenting choice
- Vic cock-blocks Joel
- Oh hey, Tracy Letts is here!
- Vic builds web apps and publishes a magazine, but mainly rides his mountain bike
- Oh wait, he also built chips for military drones, a real well-rounded guy, this Vic
- Apparently the Letts character, who didn’t know Vic before now, has also heard about the Martin McRae murder rumor
- It really feels like this movie wants to be Gone Girl
- Melinda gives Vic some good old-fashioned road head on the drive home from this most recent party
- Never mind, it was only a ruse so she could bite him as payback for Vic dancing with another woman, Kelly, at the party
- Double standard, no?
- The two actually then sleep together
- Weird that the married couple sleeping together is so far the most surprising thing to happen
- Oh hello, Jacob Elordi
- Showing up in Sam Levinson script can’t be good news for you
- Police find Martin McRae’s body, showing he had been shot to death, after Vic told Joel he killed Martin with a hammer
- Not sure if that helps or hurts Vic’s “it was all a joke” claim
- Cigarette #2 for Melinda, might need to go buy a pack
- Sure, get a dog, that will fix everything
- “Old Macdonald” is playing again, I guess Melinda’s threat to Alexa didn’t take
- “I’m glad the police caught that guy” Vic’s friend tells him
- They don’t specify anything, but it has to be Martin McRae’s killer, right?
- The snails are back
- If there’s no payoff to the snails, their inclusion will be a huge wtf
- 45 minutes in and there’s still no real plot but I’m weirdly kind of enjoying it?
- Why do subtitles spell it “come” when it’s clearly the other one?
- Melinda doesn’t think Vic loves her, and again, SAME.
- Turns out Melinda thinks her affairs keep Vic from getting bored
- Another party?
- Is that all they do?
- What about the biking that Vic apparently does with most of his time?
- Melinda, drunk again (no surprise), orchestrates (pardon the pun) another musical moment but at least she lets Charlie (Elordi) take the reigns this time
- Tracy Letts looks disgusted with what’s happening
- Same Tracy, same
- While Charlie plays, Melinda starts giving Vic an OTPHJ
- Uh-oh, Charlie drowned.
- In a moment of pure comedic genius, other party-goers lift him out of the pool, only to drop him, where he bangs his head on the side of the pool and falls back in. Inspired stuff.
- Vic starts giving him CPR, which seems like a bad choice
- Melinda tells the police she thinks Vic killed Charlie
- Screaming “I’m not f*cking upset!” would typically lead people to believe you’re upset
- Melinda tells Vic she’s not scared of him because, “I’m the thing you killed for.”
- I get the sense she might like that Vic kills these guys?
- Still getting Gone Girl-wannabe vibes
- Another biking scene, there we go!
- Vic invites Don (Tracy Letts) and Kelly over for dinner
- Vic, naturally, shows Don his snails
- Don asks if Vic would take a lie detector test to prove he didn’t kill Martin McRae
- “Just remember, it’s not a lie, if you believe it.”
- Don and Melinda hire an investigator to follow Vic, but because he’s a genius (his friend’s words, not mine), he makes him right away
- Vic confronts the two at Don’s home, interrupting a perfectly lovely family lunch
- “Go inside, Goldie!”
- How are there still 40 minutes left in this movie?
- Why does Trixie know that Charlie died???
- Why does she even know who he is in the first place?
- Oh right, it’s because this family is insane
- Trixie, poor sweet Trixie, insists her father tell her how he committed murder
- “I still think you drowned him, you’re just telling me you didn’t.” says the adorable six year old, with a smile on her face
- After seeing Melinda with some other guy, Tony Cameron, he shows up to the house and meets Vic, where else, in his snail garden
- Tony is “an old friend” of Melinda’s…duh
- “Fun fact, Tony was the first American I f*cked.”
- Yes, Melinda, that is a very fun fact that I’m sure your jealous and possibly-but-almost-certainly murderous husband will be sure to enjoy
- “No, the snails aren’t for eating.”
- “Then what are they for?”
- “They’re not for anything.”
- If that’s all that comes from the snail story, I want to smack Adrian Lyne, Sam Levinson, and Zach Helm upside the head
- Vic takes Tony to a secluded area in the woods
- He’s totally going to murder Tony, right?
- Vic straight up murders Tony
- Throws a rock that hits him the head
- Throws another rock that hits him in the stomach, causing him to fall down a ridge and seemingly break his neck hitting a rock
- Hilariously inefficient way of murdering someone that somehow works to perfection
- Vic weighs Tony’s body down with rocks and dumps in the river
- At least it will be 100% clear this was murder and not an accident
- Wait, I think you’d actually rather have people believe it was an accident, right?
- How are there still 25 minutes left?
- Vic gives Trixie a small taste of wine, continuing his campaign for Father of the Year
- We finally get to the picnic scene from that first teaser trailer
- Immediately goes from erotic to disturbing, knowing that their daughter is right around there somewhere
- Vic goes back to the river to…move Tony’s body around with a stick?
- Because, “the killer always returns to the scene of the crime,” amirite?
- Don stumbles upon him, because why?
- Was he following him? What about the PI?
- Or was it because it was time to get to the climax (for once in this movie)?
- Don drives off and Vic chases him on his bike
- Melinda is packing a suitcase, seemingly planning to leave Vic
- Trixie dumps the suitcase in the pool
- Trixie is going to be one f-ed up adult…and teenager…and pre-teen
- Vic took a shortcut and somehow catches up to Don
- In a balls wild last ditch effort, Vic throws himself on the road in front of Don’s car, banking on the hope that Don will swerve to avoid hitting the person he thinks is a scumbag murderer
- Yep, that’s exactly what happens and Don drives off a small cliff. Bye Don.
- Vic returns home and we have a nearly exact recreation of the opening scene
- Like, I’m fairly certain they just reused Ana de Armas’ footage
- Melinda knows Vic killed Tony and now chooses to stay with him?
- It sure seems like she’s going to keep bringing guys around for him to kill
- Well that was something else.
- As trashy-fun as this (kind of) was, we’re still waiting for the triumphant return of the erotic thriller
Score: 35/100
