Every so often, a movie comes along that knocks you off your feet. It hits you in your soul and you can’t stop thinking about it for days or weeks on end. Usually, that’s because it’s so good, so powerful or impactful, maybe makes you see the world with a whole new viewpoint.
However, sometimes it’s because it’s a movie is so bad and so stupid that you question whether you even like movies anymore. Like, maybe movies should just stop. Stop production on movies currently in the works, don’t even release completed, upcoming movies. And that, unfortunately, brings us to Argylle, the latest action-spy-comedy from director Matthew Vaughn.
Bryce Dallas Howard plays Elly Conway, celebrated author of the “Argylle” spy novels. The movie opens with what purports to be an in-progress spy mission; not unlike something we would see in a competent movie. But then it’s revealed that this is simply a passage from Elly’s latest novel.
Having just launched another book in her series, Elly is already about to put the finishing touches on the next entry, but she’s having trouble finding the ending. She decides to take a train ride to see her parents, as they’ve helped her flesh out ideas for her previous books. But while on the train, she’s approached by actual spy Aidan (Sam Rockwell). He claims her books have acted as a sort of fortune teller, with the events in her books having come to pass in the real world.
Aidan tells her he and an evil agency called The Division are in a race to find the Master File. He alleges the file contains evidence exposing the horrible acts and crimes committed by The Division. Both believe that Elly’s next chapter will reveal the location of the Master File. After Aidan saves her life from Division agents who had also followed her onto the train, Elly leaves with him, agreeing to help him find the Master File. The two set off an a spy adventure, hoping Elly’s ideas will lead them to the Master File, all with The Division hot on their trail.
It’s about as basic a premise as you can have for a spy movie. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but you have to do something interesting with it. Every Mission: Impossible movie has the same basic bones to their plots, and it’s managed to become one of the most beloved action/spy franchises ever. And that’s a big part of where Argylle fails. It doesn’t do anything interesting. It sure thinks it does. I’ve got to give Vaughn and screenwriter Jason Fuchs some credit here. They made this movie with a genuinely impressive level of overconfidence.
The movie thinks it’s stylish and flashy, but it just looks cheap; when December 31st rolls around, this still might stand as the worst CGI and other effects from this year, from big budget movies at least. Argylle is filled to the brim with twists, as you might expect from the genre. But they’re beyond obvious and predictable. They’re groan-inducing bad, including – and especially – the “real Agent Argylle” reveal teased in the trailers.
Even without the twists, it’s just a nonsense story. It’s not confusing or complex. This isn’t exactly peak criticism here, but it’s dumb, plain and simple. Every twist, reveal, and basic progression of the plot. Across the board, bad ideas that are poorly executed. In a weird way, it’s honestly kind of impressive how poorly it all comes together.
From a casting standpoint, there’s some fun to be had with Sam Rockwell’s character, but it ultimately doesn’t matter when everything else is so bad. Howard is okay at times, but I felt she was completely miscast. She’s fine with the introverted author bit. But she falls flat with the action and espionage parts. Even as a “fish out of water” setup, it doesn’t work at all.
Argylle also has one of the worst uses of a great cast you’ll ever see. Henry Cavill, Bryan Cranston, Catherine O’Hara, John Cena, Ariana DeBose, Samuel L. Jackson, Sofia Boutella, Rob Delaney, Richard E. Grant, Dua Lipa. Absolutely stacked! And the movie does next to nothing with all of them! If I wanted to speak in hyperbole, I’d call it offensive.
There’s no other way to put it, Argylle is a mess from top to bottom. There’s not even anything here to paint it as a “wait for streaming” recommendation. And it’s a shame, because Vaughn has been a reliable director up to this point. So ignore Argylle, pretend it doesn’t exist, and go watch literally any other movie Vaughn has made.
Grade: F
