Hello and welcome to the eighth annual Names Bracket! 2025 is here and the ladies are back! As the creator of this bracket, I must admit I look forward to the odd-numbered years more than the even ones. There is just something about the artistic creativity of the women’s names that hits different, as the college students say.
Last season’s theme was simplicity, and a worthy champion representing that theme was chosen: Rob Banks. What is the theme this year? Well, unfortunately for many of our participants (but fortunately for the voters), it is filth. The guilt of compiling such a bracket was palpable throughout the process, but leaving the dirtiest names out would have been a slap in the face to the immaturity we have worked hard to establish over the years. Although there is plenty of new blood, many of the dirtiest names in the game are back for another shot at glory.
Returning players will be marked with one asterisk per year they’ve already competed. As some of our voters and seeding committee members have noted, COVID gave us the wonderful opportunity to see many of these names a third time. Thank you, COVID?
You can find the full, printable version of the bracket here: https://breaktimereviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/2025-Names-Bracket.pdf
And here is the link to first round voting: https://forms.gle/hoGnGtZNYh4ms6wb8
Names to Watch
Jalyn Sackrider – #1 overall seed, Jizzle James Region. One of the few three-time participants in this year’s tournament field, Sackrider is one of the most respected names in bracket history. Boasting two Final Four appearances but never a championship, a Names Bracket title would be the ultimate payoff to five hard-fought years of college basketball.
Lyric Barr – #3 seed, Jizzle James Region. A true artist, this master of rhymes will take her craft to the court for the first time.
Mjracle Sheppard – #4 seed, Rob Banks Region. The ultimate respect to a name is an autocorrect suggestion from whatever writing platform you’re using, and I just got one. Assuming a soft J, as in “jogging,” this name is not only ridiculous, but very nuanced. A shepherd of miracles will have everything working in her favor.
Jamily Carter – #11 seed, Rob Banks Region. Like the Toddrianas, Jerrodneys, and most famously, Jeenathans of the past, Jamily combines two common names and sounds like something completely different. Regardless of the seed number, Coach from Survivor taught us that Adam Sandler taught us one thing: Jamily comes first.
Jerkayla Dickey – #1 seed, Always Wright Region. Tough name. What is the one thing you should avoid in the first name of your child if your last name is Dickey? Probably including the word “Jerk.” Well, one failed objective is another… bracket’s… happiness?
De’Jah Yankaway, Abby Cooch & Mary Titzer – Always Wright Region. Along with Dickey, here is a trio of highly inappropriate names that will all go to battle. It’s not just the quantity and emphasis on dirty names in this region, it’s the diversity of the slang terms. Anyone who knows me knows that if my bracket is not diverse, I will feel I did not do my part.
AC Milam – #5 seed, Always Wright Region. For all the global sports fans out there, here is a gift from the name gods. I’d argue that the one letter off is even better than if the name were truly AC Milan. 10/10 name structure, but perhaps not enough sports knowledge even among our American sports fans to build momentum behind this one.
Antoinet Cheeseboro – #2 seed, Booty Butler Region. There’s a strong french vibe going on here, with a hint of comedy. Cheeseboro is in the running for best last name in this entire bracket, and Antoinet being attached to it certainly does not worsen the overall rating. When your last name is in the tier of Sackrider, Shakespeare, and McMickens, you’ve got a real shot.
Matchups to Watch
#6 Emily Mustard vs. #11 Aleah Butterbrodt – First Round, Jizzle James Region. Stay classy, Wisconsin.
#2 Lexus Keyes vs. #15 Mersadie Spray – First Round, Jizzle James Region. Luxury car brands crash in a little low stakes first round action.
#8 Sh’Diamond McKnight vs. #9 Diamond Hunter – First Round, Rob Banks Region. A flashier cut than a normal Diamond, Sh’Diamond will look to give Hunter her second straight first round loss. Draws against McKnight and Cannon are not the route to sustained success, but three bracket appearances is nothing to be ashamed of.
#4 Mjracle Sheppard vs. Katie Christ – First Round, Rob Banks Region. Usually Christ and miracles work together, but not in the Names Bracket.
#7 Juztice Slick vs. #10 Izzy McCool – First Round, Rob Banks Region. Smooth.
#8 Faith Wiseman vs. #9 Faith Lovejoy – First Round, Always Wright Region. In a land full of Dickeys, Titzers and Cooches, this matchup is all much-needed positivity and spirituality.
#7 Montaya Dew vs. #10 Genesis Sweetwine – First Round, Always Wright Region. A couple of very different beverages that should never be combined. With a second round opponent of either Titzer or Squizziato looming, this pocket of the bracket could, at best, be referred to as the group of death. At worst, it could be considered mis-seeded.
#8 Katie Baller vs. #9 Sydney Baller – First Round, Booty Butler Region. Katie passes the torch to Sydney as the baller of the bracket after three strong showings, but will she pass her a first-round loss on the way out?
#4 Loyal McQueen vs. #13 Blessing King – First Round – Booty Butler Region. So prestigious, so royal, so classy. And that’s why one needs to leave early.
#4 Rachel Teats vs. #5 Rachel Cockman – Potential Second Round, Booty Butler Region. Are you a Teats man or a Cock-man?
#1 Jerkalya Dickey vs. #4 De’Jah Yankaway – Potential Sweet 16, Always Wright Region. Jerk/Yank, Tomato/Toe-mah-toe.
#14 Gillian Bears vs. #15 Lynx Lander – Highly unlikely potential Sweet 16, Rob Banks Region. A 14/15 sighting in the wild would be much more exhilarating than the actual animals.
#1 Beautifull Earth vs. #2 Jermany Mapp – Potential Elite Eight, Rob Banks Region. Throwing a geographical bone to all you GeoGuessr enthusiasts out there. Just me? Okay.
#5 Lil Overcash vs. #7 Juztice Slick – Potential Final Four. These two sound like they could be rappers, but instead they have a much better opportunity to live eternally as the participants in one of the best Names Bracket Final Four matchups ever.
#1 Shirley Dong vs. #1 Jerkayla Dickey – Potential Final Four. Dong vs. Dickey. The moment the bracket was made for.
