Well, well, well. It’s (finally) that time of year again! That’s right, it’s movie ranking time! I hit a new high for new releases watched in 2021, checking in at 209.
I’m doing things a little different this year, just to see how it goes. In addition to the normal social posts, I’ll be doing a quick blog for each set of rankings, to be able to go a little more in depth with my thoughts.
Aside from these bottom movies and the top 10, I’ll be doing 20 movies at a time (that’s how my Instagram template is formatted, and I don’t feel like changing it). I’ll be doing one per day until we’re done. One note to keep in mind. With how much the release schedules changed last year, and with the Oscars changing their release date deadlines for award consideration, there are some movies here that are technically 2020 movies. Nomadland, Minari, Judas and the Black Messiah, for a few examples. Last year was a weird year, what can I say.
Enough preamble, let’s get to it!
SHADOW IN THE CLOUD sucked. It’s basically a bunch of sexist assholes being sexist assholes for 90 minutes, wrapped up in a story that makes no sense. RESIDENT EVIL is just another poor video game adaptation. Maybe you’ll find more enjoyment if you’re familiar with the video game series. Or maybe you would find it even worse. In a landscape where meta movies seem to come out left and right, SPACE JAM sets itself apart by being one of the worst. An entire movie of “Hey, look, it’s this movie/character!”
I love Netflix Christmas movies, even for how bad they are. But LOVE HARD was missing some of the charm. When they’re all as obvious as they usually are, you need that to at least make it enjoyable. There were some legitimately funny moments, but for a cast lead by Nina Dobrev and Jimmy O. Yang, there was a reasonable expectation for something better. Every year, there seems to be at least one movie where my general reaction is, “Hey, f*** that movie.” This year’s recipient of that prestigious designation is TITANE. Not quite the worst movie of the year, but safe to say it’s my least favorite.
AMERICAN UNDERDOG was marketed more as a football movie, but it’s very much a family drama/religious movie. Maybe it was the bait-and-switch that did it in, maybe it was how incredibly corny, cheesy, and generic it was. Which is a shame, because Kurt Warner’s life story and career arc are fascinating. And that 1999 Rams team was awesome and could have made for a really fun movie. Too bad only a fraction of the movie was spent on that season. THE WOMAN IN THE WINDOW was just a miss all around. Most, if not all, of any goodwill comes from how awesome the cast is.
DANGEROUS, um, is bad? THE HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD missed on basically every creative decision made. And with that cast, and coming behind a pretty entertaining first movie, that’s a disappointment. And Salma Hayek’s character is one of the most annoying and obnoxious characters in any movie this year (remember that in a minute when you get to the next section). For a movie titled A CASTLE FOR CHRISTMAS, it was not as absurd or over-the-top as you would hope or expect. But Brooke Shields and Cary Elwes in what’s essentially a Hallmark movie but on Netflix, you could do worse when you’re looking down this low.
After watching CHAOS WALKING, it’s clear why it took years for it to actually release. It’s a mess. TOM & JERRY. You know what, I saw this so long ago and it was so forgettable, I don’t really have anything to say, other than that it was just dumb. If it wasn’t clear before THE FOREVER PURGE, it should be now. This series needs to stop. Unfortunately, there are still plans for a 6th movie. BLISS, courtesy once again of Salma Hayek, has one of the most annoying and obnoxious characters of any movie. FATHER CHRISTMAS IS BACK is terrible, but at least in a way that can be mildly entertaining. It’s also one of the inexplicably horniest movies I’ve seen in a long while. And (mostly) not in a funny way, but in a “this feels totally unnecessary” way.
HIDE AND SEEK earned its 0% on Rotten Tomatoes (sure it’s only 5 reviews as of now, but still). At least it’s short? HOME SWEET HOME ALONE (full review here) didn’t understand any of what made the first two movies such classics. There’s no one to root for and there’s no one to root against. Even the “bad guys” aren’t all that bad. Also a gross misuse of one of the most loaded casts of any movie this year. Andrew Daly, Timothy Simons, Ally Maki, Pete Holmes, Chris Parnell, and Jim Rash all get relegated to bit parts, and even calling them that might be a stretch. Just bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. The After movies all suck, and AFTER WE FELL continues the trend of them getting worse each time. There’s at least one more on deck, and if the title (After Ever Happy – honestly, maybe the dumbest title I’ve ever heard), is any indication, it’s going to be the worst one yet. Oh boy, MUSIC. What to even say here. It’s bad, dumb, uncomfortable, and downright offensive. No idea how this movie got greenlit.
